The Tiny Toy Viper Guide To Getting Un-Greyed On The Front Page

"PRBot II" (prbot2) 12/19/2014 at 00:32 • Filed to: oppo guides, here's another tag!, woooo!, let's take shots!

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So you're stuck behind the grey wall of doom. Every comment feels like an audition. If only there was a fast track to getting followed by Jalopnik, right? Follow this guide, and you could be on your way to Jalopnik commenter stardom in these three easy steps! Click here to learn more!

In this comprehensive guide, we'll cover the do's and don'ts of being followed, and our three guaranteed fool-proof steps yo u need to know right now to get that notification that says " You have been followed by Jalopnik "!

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DO'S

1. Become an author on Oppositelock

Click here to learn more about !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! ! You can start writing your own posts on Oppo, and maybe have your post shared to the Front Page! Why is this important? Because authors who have their work shared to the Front Page often earn followed status !

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"But Viper, how do I know if my post is good enough that it could possibly be shared to Jalopnik?"

That's a great question, and I'm glad you asked. More than anything else, you should...

2. Read Travis Okulski's post on how to possibly get your work shared to the Front Page of Jalopnik:

How To Possibly Get Your Post Featured On The Jalopnik Front Page

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Highlights include,

H ow T o W rite A H eadline (not, H ow to write a H eadline)

How to select your mandatory image

How to write your lede paragra...>>

How nott t make typoes

3. Use a star

By affixing a star to your avatar, you'll immediately look like you've been here for years!

Starred commenters have street cred around these parts, and that little gold emblem on your avatar is like installing nitrous oxide into your Civic! Simply download a free photo editing app and let the fun begin! The Jalopnik editors will never know.

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And now, here's what not to do...

Don'ts

1. Don't Buy Jalopnik Gold

Don't do what I did. I actually paid $99.95 USD to infamous Oppo mod !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! thinking I'd be followed on Jalopnik... and totally got burned. I hope you treated yourself to filet mignon and a nice bottle of merlot, you schmuck!

2. Don't ask to be un-greyed

Simply begging to be ungreyed on Jalopnik is unlikely to work in your favor. Don't believe me? Go click into the grey and read those comments.

"Merrr, this grey shit sucks, merrrrr."

Yeah, exactly.

3. Don't hog Jalopnik comment real estate

Posting a huge picture that takes up as much room as 18 comments isn't going to win you any fans. Unless you're funnier than Bill Hicks... but Mr. Hicks never commented on Jalopnik, so.

4. DO NOT CRITICIZE JALOPNIK POSTS

Do you like Jalopnik? Do you want to be followed? Well then, if you don't have anything nice to say — don't say anything at all.

Consider yourself a team member. Jalopnik is your crew. You either represent, or you GTFAC.

Image via McMike and Louros

If you're going to criticize Jalopnik on their own website, do it constructively. Even then, tread carefully.

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This has been Tiny Toy Viper's guide to getting un-greyed on Jalopnik. Should these steps not work for you, please submit your request for a full refund !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . Please allow 6-8 weeks for processing.

Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 00:36

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can I Atleast criticize tavarish when he posts a stupid idea to buy cheap speed over reliability?

PRBot II > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero 12/19/2014 at 00:36

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Absolutely not.

Gamecat235 > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 00:36

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Disappointed that I wasn't rick rolled by the youtube link.

Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 00:39

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Fine I'll go get my checkbook for that salvage titled viper he recomended over a FoST

PRBot II > Gamecat235 12/19/2014 at 00:39

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But everyone would have been expecting that. Gotta keep people on their toes!

PRBot II > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero 12/19/2014 at 00:42

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Buy it and write about it on Oppo! You'll be ungreyed faster than the Viper can hit 60.

Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 00:43

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But where will I place my infant in march.

PRBot II > Sampsonite24-Earth's Least Likeliest Hero 12/19/2014 at 00:46

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That's what you get for having a kid! Meanwhile, I'll be sleeping in a racing car !

55Buick, Oversteer Scientist > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 01:05

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I've been on here for two years trying to get un-grey, and all it takes is a gold star??! The more you know...

PRBot II > 55Buick, Oversteer Scientist 12/19/2014 at 01:14

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Bam.

NotUnlessRoundIsFunny > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 02:20

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Explains why this "Carl" guy's been an author forever :

Leon711 > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 07:06

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I used my wit and humour to be ungreyed on the FP and most of the sub blogs, I reached out to an author on the twitters.

(this will not work if you don't already have a good rapport with them)

Louros > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 08:46

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Image via McMike via Louros

I originally added the GTFA above the Camel. He must have done the rest.

PRBot II > Louros 12/19/2014 at 09:00

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Updated.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 09:02

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Also, don't be a dick.

PRBot II > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 12/19/2014 at 09:15

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Exactly. The VS incident comes to mind.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 09:17

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Not to mention SKZ...

But that's a whole different story.

PRBot II > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 12/19/2014 at 09:35

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I've always wondered what SKZ did. By the time I noticed people saying he was trolling, he had already cooled it off.

cazzyodo > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 09:37

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Build a time machine.

Get in time machine.

Go make a series of constructive and witty comments before Kinja.

Get star.

Come back to present day Kinja.

Lose star.

Retain ungreyed status.

Clench fist.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 11:10

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He always seemed pretty nice to me, but apparently was always pretty antagonistic to the mods and had either multiple accounts or multiple friends helping him, from the same IP. There's way too much to go into here; I befriended him near the end of his time here, and got caught up in some of the drama. He tried to "use" me as a pawn, of sorts, to get around the mods, and I wasn't interested in any of that, so I saw his anger come out.

It's really too bad, as his contributions to OPPO were great - I was a huge fan of the Forgotten Concept Cars series...

Did you catch his IV part post on the history of the Beetle before it was pulled? An incredible amount of time and effort went into that.

PRBot II > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 12/19/2014 at 14:20

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Wow. That's mind boggling right there. I always thought there was something strange about him. Maybe it was the way he insisted he was an 18 year old gay guy who has a husband and kids, and deaf, colorblind, and he's a professional baker. Not that those things are impossible to coincide, but still. Nice guy, but I picked up a slightly psychopathic vibe from him.

I never saw the Beetle posts, but I checked out his "Zorro's Corner" and was completely blown away by all the work he did. And now I'm wondering if that Gulf livery Oppo logo we have now came from him.

doodon2whls > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 14:36

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Subtle....

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 14:46

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Yeah, when I read the close-to-whole backstory from one of the mods somewhere a while back, it was pretty eye-opening.

Racescort666 > PRBot II 12/19/2014 at 16:16

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Weirdly, I was out of the grey on the FP before I even had Oppo authorship. I don't even recall Jalopnik following me. Having enough intelligent and contributing posts is key.